Why I’m Done Helping People Find Safety in Relationships

I used to think safety was the key to love. I got married twice, and in both marriages I basically tested the men by how far they would go to make me feel safe. They removed every woman from their phones. They cut off anything that even slightly triggered me. They treated my fears like scripture, obeying them word-for-word.

And once they passed that test? I married them. Because why would I ever leave a man who would do anything to protect my safety?

But here’s the thing: eventually, I did want to leave. Because it turned out that safety—on its own—wasn’t enough. It kept me comfortable, but it didn’t keep me alive.

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When Safety Becomes a Prison

My fears ran the show. I thought the goal of love was to eliminate every discomfort. And my partners went along with it. But all that did was confirm that my fears deserved all that power.

Instead of learning to stand in my fear and still feel capable, I learned to outsource the job to them. My partners joined me in bowing down to my anxieties. And that’s not intimacy. That’s fear management.

As a therapist, I now see how much damage this does. When we cater to every fear in a relationship, we’re not healing—we’re reinforcing. We’re saying, “yes, this fear is real, it is dangerous.” When the truth is: it’s just a feeling in the body. It’s not God.

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Learning to Actually Feel Fear

I was convinced fear would take me over. That I’d be destroyed if I let myself feel it. But here’s what happens when I do now: the world is still standing. I’m still breathing. Nothing collapses.

This is the real work. Not avoiding fear. Not controlling our partner into making it disappear. But learning to ride it, breathe through it, and remember: I’m still safe enough. I’m still here.

In therapy we call this distress tolerance and nervous system regulation—but in real life it feels like freedom.

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Why I Don’t Take Sides in Therapy Anymore

Clients often want me to bash their partner with them: “Can you believe he did this?!” And sometimes their partner really is doing some fuck shit. But even then, I don’t hand out a hall pass to avoidance anymore.

Instead I ask:

•What part of this discomfort do you need to face instead of flee?

•Could actually feeling your fear make you less controlling and needy, instead of more?

•Can you imagine having a fearful thought and saying, “Oh, I can handle this”?

Because that’s what changes everything—not rearranging life so fear never shows up, but realizing you can handle it when it does.

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Beyond Safety

Safety is important. But it’s not the whole thing. We’re not just here to feel safe—we’re here to feel alive. To feel connected. To feel brave.

So no, I don’t help people chase “safety” in relationships anymore. I help them build the capacity to feel fear, shame, anger, grief—and still stay present, still stay open. That’s where real intimacy starts.

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Therapy in Kansas City + Online

I’m a therapist in Kansas City offering individual therapy, relationship counseling, and online therapy across Missouri. If you’re tired of letting fear run your relationships and you want to actually trust yourself with your feelings, I’d love to work with you.

👉 Schedule a session at lilydawson.com