Loneliness: the Crippling Feeling you Just Can’t Shake Alone

“I’m lonely” is a phrase that makes my heart real heavy. I hear people say versions of this in therapy sessions often.

Loneliness can manifest in different ways and reactions to it can range wildly. Sometimes we can pinpoint that the problem is, in fact, loneliness. In other instances, we may not know why we feel “off” at all.

One way or another, loneliness always points back to one word: disconnection.

People are wired for human connection. When we experience a lack of meaningful relationships, this crushing feeling of loneliness creeps in and becomes a monster to deal with.

Relationships Shape Our Physical Bodies, Brains, and Minds

Science tells us that our emotions are powerfully linked to our physical selves. Dr. Dan Siegel is an expert in Interpersonal Neurobiology, a science of which a key component is the direct connection our relationships and communities have on our bodies, brains, and minds. 

When we are missing out on connection, or are stuck in unhealthy connections, the effect is not limited to a “sad feeling.” The effect is deep, significant loneliness that can change how our bodies feel, how our brains function and how our minds develop. 

Exploring Your Narrative

Every single one of us is living out our own story. Just like in a novel, our stories have characters, settings, and plot lines. Think of yourself as the main character of your story. Now, rewind to your childhood and think about the other characters in your life. Can you picture the setting or environment in which you grew up? What were some of the plot twists that happened in your storyline between childhood and today? All of these people, places, and events shape your human experience in profound ways. But they also shape your own perspective of your human experience.

For instance, if the characters in your childhood struggled to connect with you or made you feel isolated, you may grow to believe that you are unlovable.

In psychology, we call this Narrative Theory. When we retrace how we developed certain beliefs about ourselves, we can start to untangle ourselves from our problems. Instead of believing we are a problem, we begin to see that a problem exists but we can change our belief about it. 

Loneliness may stem from beliefs that we are unlovable, difficult, no fun, bad at friendship, or a number of other things that have become beliefs created out of past experiences.

Listening To and Understanding Your Emotions

As a culture, we have largely been taught to tune out our emotions. Much like I described with Narrative Theory, our relationship with our own emotions are linked back to our childhoods. This part is called Attachment Theory.

The attachment we form with our parents or immediate caretakers is a critical one. Parents, we know, are not perfect. A parent-child bond at its best will still be riddled with disconnections. But when we come from a parent-child bond that is primarily disconnected and makes us feel isolated or unwanted, it can be extremely damaging.

An unhealthy attachment to a parent is another quick way to fall into emotional numbing. If there’s one thing we have become PROFESSIONALS at in our culture, it’s shoving emotions down and ignoring them.

The truth is, if we have repressed emotions we will not be able to focus on anything else (including friendships) until we dig down and learn how to deal with them. This is not a quick fix. It’s raw and emotional to pull these uncomfortable feelings out of hiding and give them the attention they deserve.

Dealing with Shame and Guilt

As if trudging back through painful memories, re-hashing childhood traumas, and unearthing emotions we intentionally beat down wasn’t enough, shame and guilt typically interrupt one’s ability to process the original pain.

Just the idea that you are lonely can come with an extreme sense of shame and guilt. We pile on all kinds of negative self-talk: “It’s my fault I don’t have friends. No one wants to hang out with me. I’m too far gone.”

These nasty words throw us right back into a self-sabotaging cycle and keeps us from healing.

So, now what? 

Loneliness itself is a monster that keeps people isolated. The thing is, loneliness is not something you can conquer alone. It is my deepest belief that the best way to deal with loneliness is to find a therapist you trust to help you get in touch with the root of the problem and process through those issues safely and compassionately.

One of the most difficult steps in fighting back against loneliness is stepping out of isolation. Here are a few things you can do to help get yourself moving in a positive direction.

• Journal Your Narrative

  • Reach back into your memory and explore your childhood. Write down things that stick out to you about your upbringing, your parental figures, and any “plot twists” that shaped your young self into an adult. Simply firing up these memories may help you make sense of your feelings today.

• Identify The Emotions That Make You Uncomfortable

  • It’s time to be honest with yourself. What feelings do you most want to run away from? Sadness? Anger? Maybe you’re averse to feeling happy? Identify what those emotions are and then allow yourself to sit with them when they well up inside you. Acknowledging those feelings and giving them space in your life is key to emotional healing.

• Stop Minimizing Your Feelings

  • Any time shaming words come out of your mouth or in your head, pause for a moment. When we say things like, “I cry too much” or “I’m too much to handle,” or “I’m too emotional” it directs excess guilt and shame on ourselves. Instead of conceding that you’re “too” much of anything, be kind to yourself. The emotions you’re experiencing are your signal that something else needs to be addressed. Thank those emotions for being so helpful in pointing you in the direction of what is needing care and nurture yourself accordingly.

• Consider Seeing a Therapist

  • Y’all, I know this can be a big step. Talking through the emotional crud is exhausting. To be quite honest, sometimes skipping this step seems to be the easiest answer. But the more you ignore your loneliness, tamp it down, or pretend it does not exist, the further down your spiral will take you. I don’t want that for you, friend.

If you’re in the Kansas City area and are looking for someone to talk to, I’d love to chat. I am currently accepting new clients and have an incredible network of therapists I love referring to if our schedules or styles don’t align.

Above all, know that you are normal, and you are worth all the emotional health in the world.