How to Hold on in the Thick of Divorce

I’ve been thinking about how to talk about divorce here for awhile. It’s starting to be clear to me the things that I found hardest were about how to actually grieve the loss of the relationship.

One of the biggest obstacles to your emotional healing is accepting that you’re grieving as opposed to moving onto the next best thing. We can’t heal a wound simply by filling it back up with some sorry substitute for the thing we originally lost. We must properly heal the wound. As tempting as dating after a divorce may be, I urge you to take some time. I mean, you can date, but most likely it won’t be all that fulfilling.

This is going to seem obvious, but grieving the loss of a relationship involves...

Grieving.

Yeah, I said it.

 Grieving. Actually letting yourself be sad. Realllllly sad. Realllly realllly sad. And all the time.

How to Grieve

“What the heck? Duh,” you may say, but I see so many clients who don’t want to go there. Where? There. Deep deep down in the nooks and crannies of your sadness. I call them the “corners of the lasagna pan.” You know, the places in your heart that need some extra TLC? One or two or three more runs through the dishwasher than the others? That’s this.

And I get it. It’s freaking tiring to be sad all the time. It’s sad to be sad all the time. Yes. Yes it is. So, we numb. We try to pretend like we aren’t sad by distracting ourselves with other (happier) things. This can include sitting in front of the television, overzealously working out, drinking, sleeping around or even shopping and organizing.

Developing emotional awareness

To avoid numbing some of the sadness it takes some fine-tuned emotional awareness: simply KNOWING when you’re feeling upset is the first step. Sounds simple, but honestly, we get so good at training ourselves to avoid negative emotions that it may take slowing down to determine the things you do to numb. After you’ve identified your numbing technique(s), watch when you do them, and work backwards. Ask yourself “here I am, craving some Netflix bingeing. I might be numbing. What was the emotion that I bypassed that I wanted to distract myself from?”

This slowing-down process helps understand the pattern you’ve developed to deal with hard emotions.

Learning how to be self compassionate

After you’ve identified the experience of numbing, we move to emotional healing. This process involves treating yourself like you would a best friend who is going through a painful experience. You must maintain a loving and welcoming presence for your emotions. Watch the mental shit-talking (“Don’t be such a baby.” “He/she wasn’t right for you anyway.”) -- no no no. You just lost a huge relationship, one that you believed in so much at one point that you decided to devote your life to them. Ugly-crying about them is absolutely in order. Take on the attitude of being generous with whatever comes up for you and being insanely self compassionate.

You can’t do it alone

Don’t do it on your own. Get some good friends (not ones that you’re romantically attracted to) that you can let in when you need some extra support. Your people want to be there for you, so let them. You need them. When they ask how you’re doing, be honest: “You know, it’s been a tough couple of days. I don’t even know how I made it out of bed this morning.” And let them know how they can help you. “It would be awesome if you could just remind me how much you love me even when I’m this ugly version of myself.”

If you don’t feel like you have anyone you can confide in, reach out to a therapist. For counseling in Kansas City, I’m available in Hyde Park. Schedule a session here.

Remember, this is hard. It’s going to feel impossible. Watch the ways that you may be making it harder on yourself by avoiding and dodging rather than facing and processing. Stay kind, honest and open with yourself and your support system. There’s always help if you need it.