The Hidden Cost of Personal Growth: Why You Might Lose People While Finding Yourself
A Kansas City Therapist’s Perspective on Authentic Change
If you’ve ever been told to “just be yourself” or “be authentic and the right people will stay,” you know how oversimplified that advice can feel. As a therapist in Kansas City, I work with clients every day who are discovering that real personal growth comes with a cost nobody warns you about: you might lose people along the way.
When Authenticity Gets Complicated
Here’s what the self-help books don’t tell you: sometimes your most “authentic” self is stuck in maladaptive patterns. Maybe you’re authentically addicted to intensity in relationships. Maybe you’re authentically codependent. Maybe your realness in this moment includes behaviors that are genuinely hard for others to be around.
This isn’t about whether you’re a good or bad person. It’s about recognizing that personal growth isn’t a straight line from “fake” to “real.” Sometimes what feels most authentic is actually a pattern that needs examination.
The Difference Between Realness and Acting Out
One of the most important distinctions I help clients make in therapy is between being genuinely themselves and acting out unprocessed emotional patterns. When you’re working through deep-seated issues—childhood wounds, attachment patterns, addiction to drama—your behavior might feel completely authentic to you while simultaneously being destructive to your relationships.
A partner or friend setting boundaries around your intensity isn’t rejecting the “real you.” They’re protecting themselves from patterns that hurt, even if those patterns feel deeply true to who you are right now.
Spiritual Bypassing and Good-Feeling Distractions
Many people in Kansas City’s wellness and spiritual communities (myself included) have learned to use spiritual practices as sophisticated forms of avoidance. Prayer flags, gratitude journals, meditation apps—these can all become ways to feel good without doing the uncomfortable work of looking at our sharp edges.
The question isn’t whether these practices have value. It’s whether you’re using them to genuinely shift your awareness or to distract yourself from what actually needs attention. Are you so busy tending to good-feeling spiritual reminders that you’re not addressing the patterns causing problems in your relationships?
The Real Cost: Being Alone While You Figure It Out
Here’s the hard truth about authentic personal growth: while you’re sorting out what parts of you are worth keeping and what parts are just familiar dysfunction, you might need to be alone. People who care about you may not be able to handle being close while you work through your stuff—not because they’re bad people, but because being around someone actively processing deep patterns is genuinely challenging.
This means:
- Relationships might end that you wish could have survived
- Friends might need distance while you work on yourself
- You might lose your community when you stop performing the version of yourself they’re comfortable with
- The loneliness might feel unbearable some days
This isn’t failure. It’s the cost of doing real work.
Growth Versus Performance
Many of us have spent our lives performing stability, performing kindness, performing evolved spirituality. We’ve gotten so good at being palatable that we haven’t tested who can actually handle our realness.
But here’s the trap: if you’re only being “authentic” by acting out maladaptive patterns, you’re not really growing. And if you’re performing wellness while avoiding your actual issues, you’re not being authentic.
Real growth means:
- Getting clear on when you’re being yourself versus being stuck in a pattern
- Accepting that people may leave while you figure this out
- Doing the uncomfortable work without the costume of spiritual practices or intensity to make it feel significant
- Tolerating ordinary, non-dramatic moments without creating activation
- Being willing to be less likable while being more real
Finding Support for Real Change
If you’re in Kansas City and recognizing yourself in this, therapy can help you navigate these murky waters. Not therapy that gives you simple answers or makes you feel good, but therapy that helps you distinguish between:
- Authentic self-expression and acting out unprocessed wounds
- Spiritual practice and spiritual bypassing
- People who can’t handle your growth and people who shouldn’t have to handle your dysfunction
- Being real and being stuck
Moving Forward
The path of authentic personal growth isn’t about finding people who will accept any version of you. It’s about being willing to examine your patterns honestly, sit with uncomfortable truths, and accept that some relationships may not survive your transformation.
It’s scarier than “be real and the right people will love you.” But it’s also more honest. And ultimately, it’s the only way through to something that’s actually sustainable.
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Lily Dawson is a therapist in private practice in Kansas City, specializing in attachment patterns, relationship dynamics, and authentic personal growth. If you’re navigating the messy middle of personal transformation and need support, reach out to explore whether therapy might be right for you.